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<blockquote><p><span style="color:#212143;"></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:center;"><span lang="EN-US"><strong>Why a Pet Raccoon (arai-guma) is Better than a<br />
Gaijin Husband</strong></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">&#160;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">&#160;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">Good evening, ladies.<br />
And good evening, you guys.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">&#160;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">In fact, it’s all<br />
these guys… that I want to talk about this evening.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">&#160;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">Who are these white<br />
fellas, anyway?</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">&#160;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">Well, ladies, you’re<br />
probably thinking… “Well, those ones are American. That lot is English. The guy<br />
talking, he’s Canadian. And there’s even supposed to be a Rhodesian here. You<br />
could look at their passports… but that would miss the point.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">&#160;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">The reality is … these<br />
guys have been in Japan so long – some for 30 years, half their worthless lives<br />
– that they now have more in common with each other… than with their fellow<br />
countrymen.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">&#160;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">So they’re no longer<br />
really American or Australian or Lower Slobovian.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">&#160;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">They’re not Japanese<br />
either. Even after a hundred years, they won’t become Japanese. Ladies… these<br />
guys are perma-gaijin.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">&#160;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">They’re too heavily<br />
invested here to leave. By now, they’re too weird to fit in back home. And when<br />
they do go home… they’re bored out of their wits in a month. For better or<br />
worse, they’re stuck here.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">&#160;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">I’ve been watching<br />
this species since 1989, when I analyzed them in a series of magazine articles.<br />
I identified several evolutionary stages of the Tokyo gaijin male.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">&#160;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">They start as<br />
nama-gaijin, straight off the plane – geeky, puppy-like, easily amazed, eager<br />
to ingratiate themselves… and utterly helpless.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">&#160;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">Their endless<br />
questions irritate the hell out of veteran gaijin: “Why? Why? Why?” Why?<br />
Because it’s Japan… that’s why.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">&#160;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">These same qualities…<br />
are, however… irresistible to Japanese women. Nama-gaijin are like baby<br />
raccoons – arai-guma… cute, cuddly and helpless. Look at their big, blue eyes!</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">&#160;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">So 25 years ago many<br />
naïve young Japanese women took them in as pets. What a mistake!</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">&#160;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">Like baby raccoons,<br />
they start off cuddly and obedient. But after three years, they get cocky and<br />
cynical.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">&#160;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">In typical raccoon<br />
fashion, they annoy the local gomi-obaachan… mixing moeru with moenai.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">&#160;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">If they think they’re<br />
being cheated, unlike Japanese, they refuse to submit meekly. They argue loudly<br />
in bad Nihongo… and it’s so embarrassing.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">&#160;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">Some Japanese women<br />
made the mistake of actually breeding with these creatures. The children are<br />
lovely… and they often fit into Japanese society.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">&#160;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">But once the kids<br />
reach school age, you have to take their fat, old raccoon fathers to the<br />
undo-kai. And this is embarrassing. They yell – Go! Go! Go! – during the races.<br />
They ogle the cute young mothers without restraint.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">&#160;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">Japanese women who<br />
took in these baby raccoons were usually a bit wild and rebellious at the time.<br />
So having a gaijin pet was kind of a fashion statement.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">&#160;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">By the time these same<br />
women joined the elementary-school PTA they were very, very anxious to fit in<br />
with the other mothers… and the rules. They became Japanese adults.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">&#160;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">Meanwhile, since<br />
gaijin men are not really part of Japanese society, they don’t age as quickly…<br />
well… at least on the inside.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">&#160;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">So they reach an<br />
evolutionary stage we call… “The Peter Pan Gaijin.”</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">&#160;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">When they come back from<br />
their high-school reunions, they say… “Y’know… all my friends back home seemed…<br />
so old.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">&#160;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">They’re 48… going on<br />
29… and they still imagine women find them… irresistible.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">&#160;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">So like any old<br />
raccoon… every waking thought goes to devising new ways to make… <em><span style="text-decoration:underline;">mischief</span></em>.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">&#160;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">Even now… who knows<br />
what mischievous midlife fantasies are going through these minds?</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">&#160;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">OK, fess up: who in<br />
this room has Viagra in his pocket?</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">&#160;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">Sure, you can ridicule<br />
their conceit. You can shake your head and say… “I mean really… grow up, already.”</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">&#160;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">To that… I say: So<br />
what! Once you give up your boyish playfulness… your spontaneity… your<br />
irrational romantic hopes… once you think like an old man… you’ll be an old<br />
man.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">&#160;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">In Japan, you find<br />
lots of men who’ve have had all that stuff beaten out of them by 45. They’re<br />
mature and obedient… and somehow lifeless. They will never embarrass you by<br />
yelling across the room “I love you.”</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">&#160;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">These guys here… for<br />
all their faults… they’ve still got a spark… they’ve got life left in them. You<br />
can imagine one of these guys leaning in close and saying… “Baby, I love you.”<br />
And if he says that, he will mean it… at least for the next hour.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">&#160;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">Let’s be fair, though.<br />
Not all the men here fit this description. So please give every one of them<br />
benefit of the doubt… if they say, “well, y’know… I’m not like that.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">&#160;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">That said… don’t even<br />
dream of marrying any of these guys. Bad idea!</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">&#160;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">But if it’s fun you’re<br />
after… these guys know how to make it happen.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">&#160;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">As The Beatles told<br />
us, “If you want some fun, take ob-la-dee-bla-da.”</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">&#160;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">Rock on, Rocky<br />
Raccoon!</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">&#160;</span></p>
<p></span></p></blockquote>